The first time I wrote about having it all I wanted to add a voice I felt was missing–the married, childless (child-free, whatever phrase is hip now, I can’t keep up), woman. I felt like every bit of this discussion was about women who were career driven and had children. I don’t fall into these categories. I had written a post for International Women’s Day, (I’ve taken it down), and I realized in re-reading it that I was really just trying to explain away some painful situations I was living through, trying to justify the “alls” I had chased down. In reality, I don’t find the phrase “all” helpful. I don’t think it furthers our conversation in what a good life means, or that it helps us becoming better humans, lovers, communicators, etc.
What exactly does “having it all” mean? I’m not entirely sure. I usually hear the phrase in conjunction with kids and career, but I don’t feel like that is a wide enough conversation for all women (or all people) to participate in. And what about men? Do men not have these concerns? My husband, when faced with the question, said “I really don’t understand what you are asking me. I don’t think it’s a question for men. If it’s seriously a question, it ought to be a question not based on gender. Women are expected to figure out the kid thing, it’s a lurking premise when women ask the question of each other.” What we should be asking, he argues, is about having a good life. I happen to agree.
Initially I had no life plans or goals. The few dreams I had I pushed aside for more “realistic” pursuits. I went to college, selected a major only because I thought it was interesting, got married at 21, graduated, and moved with no plan or jobs lined up. (Life lesson #1: not always wise to move without income lined up.) I changed jobs a few times before I figured that getting a master’s degree in my field might equal more income. And I knew I wanted to move to a different city. Now I had what I thought was an “all” goal: move, buy a house (cheaper than renting for where we were), do the grad school thing, get some better job. No real plan as to what that job would be. We did all of that and I took the first solid offer I had after grad school: a teaching gig at a small private college. It was my safest option at the time. (more…)