Archive for the ‘Real life’ Category

The sign on my head

I seem to have a hard time taking ownership of this space. I realize it’s fear, more than anything, that keeps me from writing, being vulnerable here, after having had so many experiences with people who aren’t interested in conversation, support, or just the fact one persons life/experience/choices might be different and that’s ok.

Yesterday I got together with a former colleague. I assumed that this would be a catch-up session as we hadn’t seen each other since I moved away (and then back) in 2011. Instead it became an advice session. He wasn’t seeking advice, but he was determined to provide advice. Career advice, house buying advice, (that I will never take on because his ideas are financially unsound and far to risky for my risk-adverse personality); he was set to “offer me ideas that people would pay hundreds of dollars to have.” I felt like I was being sold something. It was so strange. All of this was prompted by me making one post, one!, on facebook about how I was tried of adjuncting and wanted a consistent job. Any job, just to pay bills, while I invest my time in my writing career goals. (For the uninitiated, adjuncting is teaching at a college part time for little pay. There’s a lot of other issues surrounding this type of work.) I didn’t realize this was such an unreasonable desire, but if your friends/colleagues are also in the field, they feel as though one person’s need or desire to leave invalidates their decision to stay.

When he asked me what I’m good at I said “making people feel comfortable.” I’ve been told this by various people over the years, so it seemed the obvious answer. But really, what I seem to be good at is being whatever it is people need at the time. Need a good vent? Need to feel important? Need to give advice, even if it’s poor advice?  Apparently, I’m your woman. Because that’s what happens. People often overshare around me no mater how uncomfortable it is. Mind you, I can’t actually get advice and compassion on the topics when I actually need and want it, but it’s always there for topics I wouldn’t even ask for help on. And usually from people like my colleague–people who know a little about me but don’t really know my personality, goals, etc.

Yesterday was no exception. Advice about buying a home on a credit card and turning it into a rental property. (We won’t talk about the interest rate he found acceptable.) Advice about starting my own business that involves duping people into believing that is they just buy the “ancillary products” in addition to the workshop then their problems will be fixed. Taking advantage of the poor economy and people’s desperation. (My moral code can’t even stomach this.) And of course this advice is mingled with comments about how smart I am so clearly I’d be able to figure this out and do this all for myself. It became evident really quickly how badly he needed to share this advice, how much he needed to feel like he was offering me a unique, special, perfect idea that someone “as smart as” me would be able to take on and do with enthusiasm.

Not once did I ask for advice, but often I was told how much he wanted to help me. If I’m to be generous, I think he was misinterpreting my exhaustion and sadness. The whole experience felt off. (Husband called my colleague’s behavior arrogant.) While I sort through the experience I keep telling myself what really happened is this guy needed to give advice, clearly, to feel better. Can I make money off that?


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Author note: I realize I’m late in writing about this topic. Truth is, I got annoyed with it enough that I had to walk away. Oh yeah and I needed to prep for this semester’s classes. And the people talking about this at the time weren’t talking about contingent faculty anyway. Instead, I’m posting this on the first day of my semester.

I’ve heard a million times how “easy” educators have it. Articles like this one don’t help in that conversation. They add to the illusion that education, and in this case higher ed, is a cushy, easy job. It’s also common to assume educators are over paid.

I can’t speak for the K-12 system. I can say that the Forbes article, like most major media outlets ignore one key thing: contingent faculty. Is teaching rewarding? Yes. Is it stressful? F’ yeah. (As Ms. Adams was forced to add an addendum to her article, but it felt a little weak, similar to the “well my best friend is [insert offended group] and he was fine with what I said.” The professor she knows is not the norm.) Do university faculty have it different from liberal arts college faculty and community college faculty? Yes and no. Budgets are tight all around, all require service and research, though research can sometimes look a little different at community colleges, it’s still there and essential. All require teaching, but vastly different teaching loads. If you love research, a community college isn’t for you and if you love teaching, you might not be fully satisfied at an R1 (research intense university). Since the job marker in higher ed is tight, you are likely to find yourself in a location/at an institution that’s far from your goals and that alone can add to the stress.

Contingent faculty, adjuncts and those on temporary full-time lines, face a whole other world of stress. Hustling for work year after year, if you’re lucky, otherwise it’s every semester. You have no idea if you’ll have work next semester or next year, or how much work you’ll have. You apply to everything you can while working, which is exhausting, because you are also trying to do every little thing you can to prove that you are worth a contract renewal, extra classes, or you’re just trying to hang in there in case that magic full-time tenure track position opens, or in some cases, just a full-time anything opens.

Did I mention that in many cases contingent faculty outnumber tenured and tenure track faculty? Straight from the AAUP: “Non-tenure-track positions of all types now account for 68 percent of all faculty appointments in American higher education.” My last community college, I was temporary full-time. Between my peers and the adjuncts, there were over 300 contingent faculty and less than 150 full-time faculty. I was temporary full-time at a small  liberal arts school for a lucky 3 years, and after they cut my line, I watched as the school cut more and more lines, reducing one department from 5 full-time faculty to three full timers, numerous adjuncts, increased student class sizes and increased incoming classes. (Tell me those full-time faculty aren’t stressed out. I dare you.) Or is this what Careercast meant when they said “high growth opportunities“?

Contingent faculty may also find themselves facing insane commutes and schedules just to make ends meet. I know of a couple English professors who teach 5-6 classes at 4 different colleges. Factor in commutes, different lecture/assignment preparation for different classes, meeting with students, grading, and additional activities many adjuncts take on to boost resumes, and you’ll find that they are maxed out. Oh yeah, these men have families too. With the average rate in my region being about $2000 per course per semester, adjuncts aren’t exactly “breadwinners.” Full time contingent faculty, in my experience, do get full-time benefits and wages, but the lowest wage and I’ve yet to meet a dean that’s willing to negotiate on it. Just as much is expected of you as any other full-time faculty member, but without a promise of future work, you better be on the job market too. Last academic year I watched one professor blindly believe she would be renewed next year only to learn in December she wouldn’t, despite having done everything “right”–taking on extra work, volunteering for everything, teaching a minimum of 5 courses a semester and doing research. Having missed Round 1 of job postings, she spent all Spring focusing on the Round 2 postings. She felt betrayed.

I’m sure this isn’t the stress I’m talking about and living isn’t what was meant when considering least stressful jobs. After all Ms. Adams only spoke to the one tenured faculty member she knew, and that person hardly represents all faculty. And despite the fact that contingent faculty is a growing group they are completely overlooked when these articles are published in the media. In Careercast’s comments the publisher admits they only considered the full-time faculty member: “We didn’t rank positions other than full-time university professor, meaning those professionals who already hold that job, and the vast majority of those have achieved tenure.” The stress the rest of us feel is “irrelevant”

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Holding back

Despite knowing the rules of the internet, I’ve neglected this space. I’ve neglected a number of spaces actually.  I’m pretty good at getting in my own way. Some of the things I want are in my control and yet I block myself.  I’ll make excuses, I’ll procrastinate. I won’t event try.  Maybe it’s the perfectionism. Maybe it’s the depression–even though I tell my husband “You have to fight it every day,” I don’t fight it myself.

Mind you, I’m out of  the worst gloom. Finally. Events from a year ago brought me to a brink I had never neem to before, meaning that getting out was equally uncharted. Different than previous depressive episodes, and so dark that there was no “oh I need to reach out now,” moment. I never used to give weight to the idea that one action, one decision, could touch everything. I do now.

Now I am in more familiar waters: sleep troubles, vivid dreams, inability to focus, foggy, lack of motivation combined with being unable to drop a pointless task to pursue something related to my goals. As I said, getting in my own way.

I’m great at external goals. Student work gets graded because I know the students count on it. When I full-time college instructor I was all in; I overworked myself really. As an adjunct I go all in on my classes. I can even use those goals/tasks to get in my way: For years I would work myself to death but really had nothing for myself to use to recharge or refill. It was work or nothing. By 2008, even a “summer break” wasn’t enough to help me reset for the next year. I entered a dark period where I entertained the idea of planning my own death. I can through the other side of that better able to recognize when the dark thoughts were starting, an important step in stopping the rest of that cycle. This last year was an exception as I encoutered situations I never dreamed would impact me, and I feel like I’m re-learning that skill. I feel like I’m still trying to find away to talk about it.

I need to add to my skills this time. I need to stop getting in my way. I worry. I’m afraid of not being successful, so if I don’t try I never fail. Technically. I worry people will attack me or not like me. (Don’t I sound like I’m 16? I swear I’m not. I just have an awful history of picking the wrong friends or being in the middle of controversial topics I didn’t plan on being in.) I want to be liked and by that I mean you don’t have to agree with me, you just need to not be a jerk. I don’t handle miscommunication well; I shut down. I began studying communication because I wanted to fix miscommunication issues but 13 years later I’ve learned you can’t make people slow down, listen, be mindful, ask good questions, consider facts. Not if they aren’t interested–regardless of whether they say they are. Actions are more than your words.

I imagine some friends and family telling me to toughen up right now. Just do it, whatever that “it” is. Take some meds, get over yourself, not everyone will like you. I’ve heard it all before. That stoicism, I believe, plays a major role in my depression. If I could just be like everyone else and shut down these feelings, and not verbalize them, then it’d all be O.K. Lack of honesty about emotions, their impact, lack of honesty about who I am, combined with suppressing character traits that are natural to me just so I can fit in with my less emotional family and peers hasn’t paid off. That suppression has kept me from asking for helping during some dark times. It’s an easy path to self hate from there, and it’s pretty well paved from where I’m standing.

I am trying to take steps forward. I am trying to get out of my way. To be vulnerable. To share about my depression and about being married to a spouse who has it as well. To be comfortable with who I am instead of being ashamed of it. Channelling Brene Brown. Hold my hand?

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This piece didn’t sit well with me. At first I thought it was just because of my knee-jerk, “no-duh”, reaction. Penetrating someone who is sleeping is rape. I still can not fathom why the guy was struggling with the idea he raped the girl. She was sleeping for god’s sake! But I was also have a hard time with this “good guy/bad guy” dichotomy that was being pitched at me. Not that Alyssa Royse is alone in this conversation, and I don’t think it was her intent to start a good/bad labeling war.

Matthew Salesses had the same response as me: trying to separate society and the individual’s sense of responsibility seems like a faulty way to go. After a semester of dealing with ethical issues with my senior communication students, I was reminded how important this conversation of personal responsibility is, as too many of them wanted to blame everything on the mass. Society! It makes us Do Things! The one student who consistently said, “But we have a choice,” was often shot down. So I was already sensitive to Royse’s idea that society is playing a role here. In fact, typing that makes me realize how much that still grates on me–my soul is screaming “we make choices!!”

The conversation shifted a little with these two pieces. Lynn Beisner talked about why consent isn’t an end all, and promptly came under fire for giving rapists ammunition–to the point that we need to sit down and play the label game. I don’t think that was Lynn’s intent either, and I think it was amazing of her to share such a personal and important story.  The piece that really allowed me to understand the real struggle I was having was the one telling us why we shouldn’t say only “bad guys commit rape.” Joanna Schroeder’s piece alone has given me a lot to mull over, but what really struck me was the title. “Bad Guys.”

Good Guys do this. Bad Guys do that. Rapist Monsters. Is anyone noticing the language we’re using here? I see this when students give opinion speeches on crime/criminals or when people talk about any group of people they deem “beneath” them. Only good people do this and everyone else is a disgusting monster. Step one to hatred, intolerance, to indifference? Decide that some category of people is no longer human. Demonize, segregate, ignore completely the idea that ANY human has the capacity for ANY behavior. The language that decides “once a rapist, always a rapist” (really, put any crime in there), doesn’t allow for humanity, doesn’t allow for change, doesn’t allow to any societal improvements.

Oh yeah, it also doesn’t allow for that personal responsibility I’m talking about. Those choices we all make? If we say well that person is bad so that’s why s/he did that, then we’ve taken away any personal choices in the matter, as well as any ability for the individual to change and improve. Why bother rehabbing anyone at this point? They’re all bad, that’s their life sentence.

Joanna called it empathy. I’m fine with whatever you want to call it; I just want us to pay attention to our language choices. It’s a short easy step from bad/awful/horrific acts to “all these people are monsters.” Taking that step, in my opinion, places us right there with those we’re shaming.

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The first time I wrote about having it all I wanted to add a voice I felt was missing–the married, childless (child-free, whatever phrase is hip now, I can’t keep up), woman. I felt like every bit of this discussion was about women who were career driven and had children. I don’t fall into these categories. I had written a post for International Women’s Day, (I’ve taken it down), and I realized in re-reading it that I was really just trying to explain away some painful situations I was living through, trying to justify the “alls” I had chased down. In reality, I don’t find the phrase “all” helpful. I don’t think it furthers our conversation in what a good life means, or that it helps us becoming better humans, lovers, communicators, etc.

What exactly does “having it all” mean? I’m not entirely sure. I usually hear the phrase in conjunction with kids and career, but I don’t feel like that is a wide enough conversation for all women (or all people) to participate in. And what about men? Do men not have these concerns?  My husband, when faced with the question, said “I really don’t understand what you are asking me. I don’t think it’s a question for men. If it’s seriously a question, it ought to be a question not based on gender. Women are expected to figure out the kid thing, it’s a lurking premise when women ask the question of each other.” What we should be asking, he argues, is about having a good life. I happen to agree.

Initially I had no life plans or goals. The few dreams I had I pushed aside for more “realistic” pursuits. I went to college, selected a major only because I thought it was interesting, got married at 21, graduated, and moved with no plan or jobs lined up. (Life lesson #1: not always wise to move without income lined up.) I changed jobs a few times before I figured that getting a master’s degree in my field might equal more income. And I knew I wanted to move to a different city. Now I had what I thought was an “all” goal: move, buy a house (cheaper than renting for where we were), do the grad school thing, get some better job. No real plan as to what that job would be. We did all of that and I took the first solid offer I had after grad school: a teaching gig at a small private college. It was my safest option at the time. (more…)

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Last year I was teaching full time at a community college (CC). It was my first (and last) year at that school largely because I was not prepared to have someone in power hire me and then work so hard against me.

Some background: I was hired to add diversity to the program–as in diversity to the course offerings. The courses I was supposed to be creating/teaching are pretty common at comparable colleges, and students have expressed a growing interest in these courses. I had the background, I enjoyed my interview experience and I thought it was a good fit. Shortly after I started I began to sense seom hostility from one woman, let’s call her Dora, for simplicity’s sake. Dora was on the search committee and enthusiastic about my hire, initially. When it became clear that I fully intended on doing what I was hired to do–work on adding to the program under my specialization, we started to but heads. She thought I was “smarter than that.” (Apparently I wasn’t, as I moved 6 hours from home for what I thought was the “perfect job”.) (more…)

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